The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth: Part XV
by Camilla Sandman
Part Fifteen: Where There's a Growl - There's a Wall
"And so you see, 'I love you' is not sexually intoned at all, but merely a sign of true friendship," Frodo was saying, getting nods from Sam. The crowd was listening in apt attention, a few shooting glances at the huge cotton ball on the lecturer's desk (especially Darhyl, who Lina had quietly nicknamed 'the Many-Named' because the chick wanted to be called different things from week to week. As if it wasn't hard enough to keep track of everyone already).
Unable to shut up, the Ring had suffered the consequences and was now quietly fuming in its cotton ball prison.
Lina regarded the two hobbits, who certainly looked more comfortable today. They were quite adorable really, once again proving size did not matter.
Where had that thought come from?
"I love Master Frodo in a non-sexual platonic way, just as you love your parents," Sam said.
"I hate my parents," a girl replied. "They won't let me stay out till after midnight!"
"Mine won't let me stay on the Net whenever I like!" another yelled.
"Perhaps that was not the best example," Frodo muttered. "In the way you love your sister or bother, then."
"My brother is an asshole!"
"My sister steals my make-up!"
"Okay." Sam said quietly "No wonder they all write slaff."
"Slash," Miss Cam corrected with a friendly smile.
"All right, the way you love your pet!" Frodo exclaimed frustrated. "Surely you do not have any romantic interests in your pet?"
Thankfully, no one replied.
"Good. That kind of love - caring for their well-being, a desire to spend time with them without any sexual feelings arising. Yes, miss Lyle?"
"So you cuddle Sam like you cuddle your cat?"
Sighing, Frodo looked at the cotton ball as if he had a desire to vanish.
"Is everything sexual intoned in your world?"
"Pretty much, yeah," Lina answered, surprising herself. She had never really considered that before - how much had sexual innuendo these days.
"It is not here. I do not think of Master Frodo as anything but a dear friend," Sam insisted. "I am married."
A disappointed sigh rolled through the Sam Stampeder crowd.
"Let's try something else. How many here have made good friends at OFUM?" Frodo asked.
Quite a few raised their hands, although some of the Sisterhood of Evil merely stared at each other in a kind of 'I Am Only Putting Up With You For Now, When I Am the Evilest of All, I Shall Kill You' sort of way.
"How many here would sacrifice their life for their friend?"
A few looked hesitantly at each other, but no one dared raise their hand.
"When you can clearly say 'Yes' you will know how Sam and I feel about each other. Class dismissed - don't forget to hand in your 'The Platonic Love Manifest' essay on Monday next week."
As the crowd begun to move out, Frodo picked up the cotton ball and unwrapped it.
"You are evil," the Ring said accusingly.
"Gee, wonder where I could have picked that up?" Frodo replied.
"Go on, blame it all on a poor defenceless golden Ring. No one understands me. No one appreciates me. Even Sauron was all 'Do this, kill that, corrupt him, seduce her.' Have I not helped you?"
"Sure, trying to kill me every chance you got."
"Oh, and that wasn't what you were doing? A whole big Quest just to rid the world of me? Although that was kind of flattering."
Lina chuckled softly and moved out with the rest of the crowd (a few of the hobbits lingered as always, staring star-eyed at Frodo and Sam until they were thrown out).
"How does your head feel?" she asked as she caught up with Dot.
"All right. I nearly managed to scare off the Balrogs and sneak into the staff section." She sent an envious glance at Lina. "I can't believe you've actually been there."
Lina merely shrugged.
"I hear the Witch-King is rather mad at you, blaming you for the whole urple deal. It's so cool, you have a deadly enemy. You think Legolas will protect you?"
"No, Gimli will," Lina replied without thinking.
"Lina? Hello? Who possessed you? I said 'Legolas' and you didn't melt in a poodle on the floor. What is wrong with you?"
"Maybe it's after-effects of the Valinor Vegetable Soup," nearby Silver Rose suggested.
"Or the Witch-Wall did something to her," Kelly suggested.
"I'd gladly let a wall fall on me if Legolas would dig me out," Kiore said dreamily.
"Me too," Jo agreed.
"You know they sat up the Witch-Wall near the toilets this time.." Georgia said (the Elf, as opposed to the other Georgia. At least this race thing was good for keeping people apart).
The girls regarded each other, then ran in the direction of the toilets, leaving Lina alone in the hallway.
"Oh, great," she muttered, and quietly begun counting.
She got till ten when there was a loud yelp and a triumphant laughter. A few moments later the girls returned, all coloured in urple.
"He wouldn't fall, he just spat urple paint on us," Dot said miserably.
As they set course for the bathrooms (the only stuff that got urple off was Wormtongue's Wonder Wash - although most were convinced it was because he had helped created urple in the first place), leaving Lina to walk over to the toilets.
"I'll get you, Lina. I'll get you," the Witch-Wall hissed.
"Shut up, or I'm putting you in Tom Bombadil's room!" Lina answered.
"Oh. Sorry to have bothered you then, I'll find another archenemy. Evil needs one, you know. It's just how it is. You know - if you ever consider being evil you'd make a most wonderful Witch-Queen. You'd have to become a wraith though and pass the Truly Evil test, but I think you'd be swell. I'd serenade you every morning. And I did like the feel of your - " he let out a sexy-sounding growl.
"Uh, thanks. I'll. Think about it," Lina muttered and hurriedly exited. Somehow the thought of evil trying to be sexy was rather unsettling.
"I'm really a Love Wall," the Witch-Wall called after her.
It took her an hour to get *that* image out of her head.
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