The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth: Part XXXVI
by Camilla Sandman
Part Thirty-Six: To Woo Or Not To Woo
It was a rather pale, but determined-looking Galadriel that entered the lecture theatre that morning, clutching a few charts and books. Trailing behind her were Arwin and Seleborn, looking very protective, as much as mini-Balrogs can look protective and not just fierce and evil. (Actually, there was a mini-Balrog that was a star a not too fierce, but Miss Cam refused to talk about that. Lina suspected some deep, dark secret surrounded it. Heck, there was even a Condor mini-Balrog - who built all the lairs for the other mini-Balrogs - who wasn't very fierce either.)
Melee and Arielle immediately found themselves on the receiving end of a mini-Balrog stare. A hard stare.
"Please return your trail of thought onto the path of decency," Galadriel said, dropping her books onto the lecturer's desk. "This subject is 'Dating in Middle-earth 101', not 'Let's Get Naughty in Middle-earth One-On-One'. Thank you."
She took in the class and more than a few students began to blush fiercely.
"I will know if your trail of thought strays from the subject at hand - Jules, you do not want to even try that with a mini-Balrog. Ocarina, you may write in runes, but you're thinking in plain common and though I am grateful you're thinking of Frodo with his clothes on; huggable hobbits is not the subject at hand. Now, this subject will take you through the often delicate process of dating for Elves, Hobbits, Humans and even Dwarves."
Lina had to grit her teeth in order to keep naughty images at bay from that very comment, while the rest of the class looked a little bit sickened.
"This information is not for you to try to snare in whoever you 'fancy', but rather to portray love in Middle-earth more accurately. And no, this will not involve reciting poetry so bad it would rival Tom Bombadil. If this is your idea of romance, perhaps you ought to see if you and the Witch-Wall get on."
Quite a few shuddered, including Lina. A terrible thought occurred to her: Was the Witch-Wall trying to woe her with poetry because he had read her fanfics? They had a lot of bad poetry in them after all. She hadn't considered if the staff had actually looked at the writings of the students - could Gimli have looked at her stories? Oy. Pages upon pages of Legolas-lusting - not the best thing for your boyfriend to read.
Galadriel looked like she was becoming more comfortable every minute, as people started looking more fearful. A horrible realisation that perhaps Elrond had picked up a few things from his mother-in-law began to dawn on the students by the looks of it. Lina tried to think about noting but calm sea. She had no naughty thoughts. Her inner sea was calm. Hey, skinny-dipping sure was fun. No, no, no. Calm inner sea.
"Nor will it involve serenading," Galadriel went on. "Elves love song, not howling of utterly bizarre phrases that make no sense. 'Let Me Be Your Teddybear'? I heard that just the other night. I am not sure what kind of bear that is, but most elves do not think of bears that way in any case."
Galadriel took a brief pause to project a mental image of a bear that had everyone gulping.
"To help you properly understand the inner workings of dating, Sam and Rosie will take you through hobbit-love, Faramir and Éowyn will hold a lecture on humans, and Celeborn and myself will take you through the elves. As for the dwarves, we may have a special treat for you when that time comes. In order to pass this subject, we will stage a role playing in which you will be given a partner to woo. They will tell you how well you are doing, and will give you your grade. The whole staff have volunteered, in fact."
"You mean we can get to woo like Legolas?" Mithara asked, eyes wide.
"It will be decided by a lottery when the exam draws near just which partner you will get. I believe you will all study hard for the exam?"
Speechless, the whole class nodded.
Lina found herself staring curiously at Galadriel. This all sounded a bit too easy. Surely there was some kind of set-up, for they wouldn't let students actually try to woo the staff, would they?
"Starr, stop thinking of the One Ring, please. It's bad enough having a constant longing for it radiating from Sauron and strange urges coming over me when I look at jewellery. Oh, I nearly forgot - in case any of you should be tempted to let your thoughts stray, I managed to get hold of all the lyrics to Britney Spears latest CD. I will plant them all in your minds if I must."
There was a collective shudder. Galadriel smiled, giving her husband (who had sneaked into the back of the class) a thumb's up.
"Good, good, why don't you all go read chapter one - 'That Is An Arrow in His Pocket, He Is Not That Happy to See You - Yet', please," Celeborn said hurriedly.
"Galadriel," Celeborn replied, and she must have read something in his mind, for her eyes widened.
"Yes, yes, read that chapter for next class and think decent thoughts," Galadriel said absentmindedly, before vanishing out the door with Celeborn at an impressive speed.
"Oh, great. We're supposed to think decent thoughts when she leaves with *that*," Dot said sarcastically.
"Think of grass, that ought to take the mental picture away," Lina suggested.
"No, now I'm just picturing them on grass. I'll try thinking of the mini-Balrogs and what they'll do to me for disturbing Galadriel. Evil minis."
"Do you think mini-Balrogs have mini mini-Balrog babies?"
"Ew, Lina. Now I'm thinking of - Oh no. 'I am not a girl, not yet a woman.' It's echoing in my mind.. No." Dot whimpered, as did all the students.
Galadriel sure knew how to get even.
And in the empty lecture theatre, Aragarn and Arwin looked longingly at each other while Seleborn wandered out to find Galadrielle. Mini-Balrogs, mini loves.
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