The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth: Part L
by Camilla Sandman
Part Fifty: The Woes of Royalty and Misplaced Commas
There is something quite right about waking up in a warm bed, beard tickling your cheek and the smell of mushrooms in the air. Lina was getting used to it, but by no means was she getting bored. How could you when there was always screaming somewhere, and always a good Sauron/Morgoth fight?
Who needed television when you had real life entertainment, delivered to you with the rooster's crow? Or sometimes with the strangling of the rooster (usually done by whoever had not slept properly- which usually was Boromir, poor man).
Sure, you may not be able to go to McDonald's for breakfast, but perhaps that was just as well. Lina had put it on her list of 'Ultimate Evil' suspects, just because she had explained the concept to Radagast and Rabagast, who had started planning McIstari. Clearly it spread with the speed of evil. Just as long as Gandalf stayed out of it, it shouldn't be too bad though.
Leaving Gimli to sleep (he needed his rest, she had great plans for the evening - the whole 'You wooed me, now let me woo you' was working *very* well), she gabbed her 'All The Things You Should Know Already, So You Should Never Read Me' book. It was the infamous LotR general knowledge subject today; Miss Cam had been shining up her Paddle of Canon Accuracy for the occasion. Aragorn, who was to do the guest lecture on royalty, was not quite that happy. He had been trying the 'If they don't see me, they'll forget me' technique on his Aragorn Adorers, and this would remind them all of his 'rugged manliness' all over again.
The hall was fairly quiet, most already up and on their projects of the day.
"Good morning, Lina," Thundera Tiger said, staring absentmindedly at the huge long table in the hall, a long table that had not been there yesterday.
"If this doesn't show you the danger of a misplaced comma and odd capitalisation, nothing ever will," Dwimordene said, shaking her head. "Honestly, what are we to do with the Long Table Elrond?"
"Perhaps the Headmaster needs for a new table? An immortal table must be useful. I just hope this is not a new trend. What's next, Rocking Chair Sauron?" Thundera Tiger shuddered.
"I will get right on suggesting a new GrammarBootCamp on comma rules," Dwimordene replied. "Having the Witch-Wall is enough. We do not need more furniture with personality"
"Though it could be fun."
Deciding she didn't really want to know, Lina walked on hurriedly. Best not to be late for class.
She just made it as the last few students slipped into the lecture theatre, and Jocelyn and Lotus were fighting over the seat nearest to Aragorn. The man himself looked like he would have been happier cleaning Sauron's eye.
"Sit down," Miss Cam said icily. "This is 'Know This Or Know the Power of the Swift Kick to the Bum', or rather a swift twop with my Paddle of Canon Accuracy. In short, we will look at all these things you should know already, so this class should be quite easy, or what?"
"For instance, how many Rings of Power were there?"
"Twenty," chorused the class.
"How many Dark Lords?"
"How many in the Fellowship?"
"Ten," half the class went, before pausing in horrified silence. Elrond peeked his head in, looking ready to murder.
"Good. Elrond, I have the volunteers for your grand 'There Is No Logic in Ten' banner. Students, I expect everyone who said 'ten' outside to help make it tonight. And my mini-Balrogs made a mental note of your names, rest assured."
"Excellent," Elrond muttered, sending a few death stares before he left.
"A giant banner?" Dot whispered to Lina.
"Yeah. Rose suggested he could fly Gwaihir with a giant banner behind saying 'There Is No Logic In Ten - Chose Nine' whenever he felt agitated over the numerology of the Fellowship being ruined."
"Beats him taking it out on us."
Iocane leaned over. "Hey, Lina, you and I could do that with the Crusade for Greater Gimli Goodwill. 'See the Light, Lust a Dwarf', what do you think?"
"Gimli does have a quite a few unmarried cousins," Lina replied. "And Legolas would help, if that cut down the number of Legolas Lusters."
"Has he had any luck with that?"
"After the appearance of Elrond's sons, plenty."
"Who wouldn't adore those two?" Atacarme shot in. "It's double the eye-candy!"
"Excuse me, did I say this subject was Lusting and Drooling 101?" Miss Cam interrupted. "Trail your thoughts back to the Path of Pureness now."
"Mmmm, pure evil of Toey," Paul muttered, getting a few pointed looks. Lina groaned, not really wanting to remember that Toey had come looking for comfort ('BreadLegs doesn't love me anymore!') and ruined her whole romantic dinner the night before. Since when had she become the hand to cry in (Toey didn't really reach to her shoulder, after all) for evil? Morgoth had given her an odd look the other morning as well - that Dark Lord needed to get some. He was even eyeing Thundera Tiger and Dwimordene.
"Today students, we shall discuss Royalty. Real royalty, not the princess of somewhere-remote-and-unheard-of-that-suddenly-appaears-in-Middle-earth. There is no remote wood of Moonlight, no distant kingdom of ForeverBeauty. The Royalty of Men comes from Númenor - and here, the heir of Isildur, to tell you all about it. That's I-S-I-L-D-U-R, by the way. Not any other amusing spelling, we have quite enough Isildur-spawned mini-Balrogs stalking Phrodo and Frodoe already."
"Thank you, Miss Cam," Aragorn said, taking a deep breath and ignoring the puppy eyed looks focused on him. "Being royalty is not a ticket to start behaving as you please. It is a responsibility, a life-long commitment to the people. It takes a long time. You do not suddenly become King."
"You did," Meru shot in. "What, I'm just saying."
"I was raised by Elrond," Aragorn replied. "You want to be royal, you try being raised by him."
There was a collective shudder.
"Hey, I always said the common life was good," Meru muttered, with the whole class nodding.
Some things just weren't worth the stress.
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