The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth: Part LII
by Camilla Sandman
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Part Fifty-Two: Pipe Weed And A Game of Cricket

Lina walked through the hallways humming, trying not to slip in the pools of water scattered about. They were from Morgoth's attempt to hose down Ungoliant and Shelob, the two spiders having decided he would make a good footrest for their many feet sometime during the 'date'.

He had escaped, but only because Radagast and Rabagast had been walking by and had managed to ruin Shelob's prize web in the shape of a wanted poster of Sam ('Preferably Dead And Without Sharp Objects'). Rabagast had been taken by the two spiders and since he was evil, no one cared. Except everyone was rather worried that perhaps it was Radagast that been taken - no one could tell them apart after all. The big debate was therefore whether or not to rescue the wizard, but everyone was quite agreed that Ragna the Urple should be the one to make the attempt. Ungoliant loved to devour light, but even she wouldn't go near urple. She had her standards, after all.

Entering the lecture theatre, Lina found that predictably all the hobbits had taken the good seats in front, as Hobbit Home Delights was on the agenda. No one was quite sure what the subject was, but since it had cute little hobbits, it was bound to be good. Although some of the Elven girls had said that about Elrond's subjects.

Merry and Pippin entered moments later, flanked by a crowd of mini-Balrogs. Pippi, Marry and Pippen was ahead of the pack, looking like they were practicing line dancing. Lina decided she didn't really want to know.

"This subject is Hobbit Home Delights, your introduction to the life and cooking of hobbits," Merry began. "The exam will be practical and involve making a meal for myself and Pippin that we will find satisfying. That means it better have mushrooms, so start gathering. But first, Pippin and I would like to clarify something. Pippin?"

"Yes, Merry," Pippin replied. "We, the hobbits, are not children. We may be small and cuddly, but we are not children. We may act childish, but we do not walk around and need constant hugs."

"Nor are we a comedy act. We are not there simply to amuse while some female character chase Legolas or Aragorn. We do not trip over at any given chance, although some of us are balance-challenged," Merry coughed, a cough sounding remarkably like 'Frodo'. "I actually helped kill the Witch King!"

"We know, Merry. You do not have to bring it up at every chance you get."

"He was hard to kill, you know."

"So was the Balrog, and Gandalf does not brag about it ever chance he get."

"That is because Barlog the Balrog might get depressed if that is mentioned, Pip. It reminds him of one of those 'fanfics' he read. How would you like it if someone called your whip a tentacle? Poor Barlog, only wants to be loved. Right.Where were we?"

"The usefulness of hobbits," Tex injected, actually taking notes.

"Yes. In fact, if it were not for hobbits, Sauron would be horribly torturing everyone in Middle-earth," Merry replied.

"Instead of everyone in Middle-earth getting to torture us," Marzipan muttered in a low voice.

"Well put, cousin. For the record, Merry and I are related. That does not mean we go skinny dipping together or like to do 'biological studies' of each other, was that what Gandalf called it, Merry?"

"Yes, only with a barely contained laughter and something about how all hobbits probably were related anyway and how that would explain a great deal. Now, today we will talk about pipe weed."

The class sniggered.

"What is so amusing about pipe weed?" Pippin asked.

The class sniggered some more.

"You know, it's pipe. Weed," Linteloteiel replied.

"Yes. We know it is pipe weed," Merry said, interrupted by a new round of sniggers. "It is weed grown and smoked in a pipe."

The class seemed ready to giggle by now.

"Perhaps 'pipe' is another synonym for the you-know," Pippin suggested. "They have so many. Remember when Lina was explaining why humans didn't do it seven times a night? She used a lot of different words."

Lina blushed scarlet and quietly swore to herself she would have a little chat with Merry and Pippin. Those two knew bloody everything. Perhaps some mushroom would bribe them, it had worked on keeping the whole 'taking Gimli to a newly discovered cave' weekend a secret.

There was a loud rumble and thunder rolled in the distance. Could only mean one thing... Lina braced herself. Incoming Dark Lords.

"No way!" boomed Sauron's voice.

"Way!" Morgoth boomed back. "Three, my little Maia, three!"

"Oh shut up, Varicose-Valar! I refuse to believe you have three lusters after you."

"You will see."

The two entered, oddly dressed in cricket equipment and looking like they had been in the middle of a game. They had to be training for the upcoming 'Lazy Git No More Sports Tournament' at the end of the semester.

"Excuse me, puny laughable mortals, but who here lusts after Morgoth?" Sauron asked, lifting his cricket bat.

Three hands were raised; Knight Obi, Tiffany and Vornamirë.

"Face it, anything you can do, I can do better," Morgoth smirked. "I can do anything better than you."

"No, you can't!"

"Yes, I can!"

"Hah! You haven't got a snowball's chance in Mount Doom of being 'Sexy Evil Bachelor' of the decade."

"Pipe weed," Pippin said quietly, but the class heard, and of course, sniggered and giggled.

"YOU FIND THIS FUNNY?" Sauron blasted, spinning around.

"That will teach them to laugh at our pipes," Merry said satisfied, taking cover.

In the end, it turned out just as bad as Lina had suspected. The Dark Lords invented a new form of cricket, with students as live wickets ducking the balls and running around screaming. It quickly became the game of the year in evil circles.

And the students learned not to mock Middle-earth customs. Well, not really. But they could have, had they not been busy learning to duck.


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